An unequivocal confidence and an even more assured resilience. Shouldn't that be enough to put your chin up and collect life's lemons for the barrels of lemonade you are planning to make? Or something a little stronger? Definitely something stronger.
Recently I realized I've had this exact thought three different times. Four, maybe. That a friend of mine has been away from me longer than I had known them.
With him, we were the kind of friends who knew way too much about each other. The kind of friends where I didn't think it necessary to bid farewell even when all signs pointed towards diverging paths. The paths went in such different directions that I have no idea where he is. I don't know if he still carries fancy stationery that all his friends steal. I don't know what he does, and I don't know what his normal is.
I remember his birthday but that's the only detail that still remains his.
What do I do with the other details I remember?
I used to be so sure that we would be heading the same way; even school was sure that if nothing else, we would at least be in the same college, but my confidence really didn't measure up against reality.
But it was fine.
Everything was fine.
We still had our phones in hand. We still had the same friends and same interests and Instagram would make it so easy to keep up.
But keeping up started to feel like chasing.
It was the same story so many times.
It was the same story with the friend whose house I crashed. She and I had briefly disappeared from each other. Had to make up for lost time, something that has never been in our favor. Should I tell you about the home I left behind or the one I am trying to build? Reminisce and keep up or just be and make new details that might collect dust later?
All the details from all of them are just stored somewhere. Everything I want to hold onto but can't.
There are so many barrels and so many lemons and each time I try to handle it, process it, learn from it, I end up a little funnier than I planned on being—character development, material for a special I'll never actually do.
I am sure I wouldn't be where I am today without collecting all of this and maybe this loop will go on for long but I was fine where I was. I am fine where I am. I don't want to be fine elsewhere. Even though I know I will be fine.
No one has ever doubted my ability to be fine. "It's her, she is always fine." And that has been true throughout. We are all fine. Our barrels are in great condition and something absolutely fine is brewing always.
If it is established that everything will be fine then can I please worry about something else? Can I please not find myself sunk into different barrels, wondering about those that helped me be where I am and instead be there with them? How many more times should this loop go on till I am certain that this is the one that will not collect dust? That this will be the one that I won't soon have to be fine with?
I am confident that I am glad of where all these paths have taken us. I am just tired of always being fine. But you know what, I have so much lemonade now.